What questions should we consider when dating someone?
- Do I like what I see?
With the multitude of sensory signals that we receive constantly, our brain will only sustain focus and attention to what is interesting. If we don’t like enough what we see, we will soon lose interest and look for something more interesting.
- Why do I like what I see?
When considering the interest on someone else, we will do so by adjusting our expectations to our own perception of self. If we view ourselves positively and highly, then we will tend to be interested in people that we deem worthy of us. Whereas a lower perception of self will tend to drive interest towards people we hope to be worthy of. This has a huge influence on the dynamic between two individuals.
- What exactly do I like about what I see?
Considering the characteristics that we find attractive in someone else helps us understand the reasons for our interest and therefore sustain that interest for as long as possible.
- Can we gaze into each other’s eyes without feeling awkward?
If the answer is yes, then there is a good chance that closeness and comfort are being built at a good level.
- Do I feel safe in this person’s company?
This is important to monitor as we have in-built warning systems. If our alarm system goes in the presence of this person, then no matter how much we like the look of it, our bodies are telling us that it is not safe to be with them. This will manifest by an inability to fully relax in the presence of this person. Monitor you heart rate and see if it stays at its resting level (average is round 60bpm), or is it faster, slower than resting rate. Either way, notice and understand why, as it is sending you a signal that your body is not feeling safe in that moment.
- Do I see reciprocity?
Reciprocity is about seeing actions on both sides that indicate that the liking is not just one sided.
There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to attraction, and the points above will only allow you to understand better whether there is something between you and someone else, it doesn’t guarantee long term relationships as these require additional work to last. It will give you a good start into long term relationships as all of the points above help build emotional intimacy which is critical not just to physical intimacy but also long term engagement with someone.
