Mind Blowing sex?

As I watched the intimate scene in “What women want” with Mel Gibson and Helen Hunt, where she expresses her amazement on her partner’s ability to satisfy her, I wondered, how many people actually know what it takes to have mind blowing sex?

Sex is a taboo subject for many people and very little direction is given when it comes to learn this important skill. Most people will end up learning through experiences and as a result form their beliefs about sex. For example, if your experience of sex is laboured, then you may think of sex as a chore. Not the most encouraging belief to enjoy sex!

Let me say this upfront, if you have never or rarely experienced mind-blowing sex, then be reassured that you are far from being alone. Many studies have shown the complexity of achieving the conditions in which such an experience can be achieved.

The key to mind-blowing sex is emotional intimacy. This is something that enables you and your partner to be in a space where you can be vulnerable and authentic without fear of judgement. This allows each of you to not focus on themselves but rather focus on the other person, thus listening attentively to each other’s needs and wants. How can this happen?

-          Start with self-acceptance – an essential component of emotional intimacy is the ability to let go of our judgements and thoughts about ourselves. If you mind is busy thinking about what wrong with your body or if you are doing the right thing, whilst having sex, this will generate anxiety and won’t allow you to be present enough for the experience to be as enjoyable as it could be.

I understand that gaining self-acceptance is easier said than done and often the support of a therapist is beneficial in that journey. Nonetheless there are things that you can do on your own to move forward with self-acceptance. Here are a couple of things that may help you:

• When you start having thoughts that you may not be doing the right thing, or you’re unsure of what you are doing, the simplest way to resolve this is by asking your partner to guide you. You can make it playful by saying something like: “today, you show me where you want to be touched, and you tell me how it feels”. Engaging in open dialogue will not only reduce your anxiety but it will also make you focus on the other person and therefore will help build emotional intimacy.

• If your mind starts wondering and focusing about the imperfections of your body, then remember one thing… the person that is with you in that particular moment, doesn’t seem to be minding what you perceive to be imperfections in your body. If your partner is aroused, then they like what they see, they are not thinking about any of the imperfections that you are listing in your head at that moment.

  
  

-          Communication – the meaning of communication in this instance isn’t just about talking to each other, it is about allowing yourself to say things that may feel embarrassing or vulnerable, as well as asking questions when you are unsure. For example, asking your partners about their fantasies is a good way to explore their erotic mind and what they may like or not.

Communication can also be non-verbal exchanges, such as exploring each other’s bodies through touch. This can again be done in a playful way where it is about sharing a moment of silence where only the body will speak. Partner A can start with touching Partner B, who has their eyes closed and just let’s the sensation travel their body and focus on how the sensation travels through their body and the feeling attached to it (enjoyable, tickly,…).

-          Show that you care outside of the bedroom – providing constant signs of affections in any way, shape or form, allows the other person to feel better about themselves because they will feel cared for. Our yearning for connection is a fundamental human being’s need, and we need constant reminders to keep it alive. This isn’t about buying expensive gifts, or any gifts at all, this is about genuine small displays of affection. For example, if your partner comes home from work in a frustrating mood, then don’t ignore them, hoping the mood will pass and it will be fine. Just say something like: “you seem to have had a bad day at work today, what can I do to help you get in a better place?”

Simply asking your partner about their need in that moment shows that you care and want to do what they actually want as opposed to trying to second guess and perhaps ending up doing something that has the opposite effect than intended.

Building emotional intimacy is an important component to build a connection that is beyond the physical aspects of sex and therefore, provide you with the want and need to be attentive to the other person in a reciprocal way.

Many long-term relationships lose this connection and end up growing apart, feeling almost like strangers to one another, a few years later. Learning to reconnect is a large part of the work in relationships counselling, which ultimately leads to the best sex they have ever had.